he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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