The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
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