Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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