I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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