my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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