Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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