my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
