I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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