sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
