ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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