Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
