We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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