I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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