Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
