Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
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She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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