I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
