I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
