what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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