She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
