Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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