nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
