i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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