Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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