Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
