My boss' voice literally gives me gas
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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