Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
