i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
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The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
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Let's get the cat blown out
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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