Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
