can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
