did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
