dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
