You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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