you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
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