Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
