I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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