I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
