TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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