Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
