and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
All I want is dick and wine.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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