so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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