I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
