I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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