all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
whose ass print is on the piano?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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