Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
