flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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