My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
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Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
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Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
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