Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
