Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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