i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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