wrigley field is MILF paradise
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
