You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I love how my cats smell like pot.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
