Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
