he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
