I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
His hands were made for my vagina.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
