I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?