It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.